On Being a Mom

Parenting wasn’t something I had ever wanted to do. Until I got pregnant with Averi, I felt positive that I would go through life childless. And I was very content with that. And, if I hadn’t had her I would probably be happily child free.

Regardless, she is still the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

Yesterday, I had a pretty bad headache. So my kid, in all her wisdom, asks me to look up how to fix headaches on the internet. After reading her a few suggestions and her asking me what a cool compress is, she goes to the kitchen.

She comes back with a small towel that she had wet and carefully wrung out.

Put this on yer head, it will feel better. Trust me, I take care of you.”

And so, I lay there with this towel on my head and Averi gently rubbing my arm.

You gotta tell me if you need a new one. Cos I just worry about you! Like I worry about daddy, and Mimi, and Papa. I just worry about everybody I love.

And she loves so fully. It is the greatest wonder to watch a child, untainted by the horrors of the world, be kind and accepting.  Everyone is her friend.

It’s not to say that she doesn’t also drive me absolutely insane. Because she does.

The same morning she sat on the couch and cried at 6:28am and refused to tell me why. She wanted a waffle, but was too tired to tell me that she wanted a waffle. Guess who was too tired for that tantrum? This mom.

Still, she got her breakfast and I got hugs and all was well.

I think, what I’m trying to say, is that I love this life that I didn’t want. I am so happy to have my child in my life and watch her as she explains to me why her Papa’s dogs are kinda dumb.

That life is still hard. The me that had never met Averi would be fully against this life. And it’s understandable and okay to not want to have a child. Parenting is one of the hardest things you will ever do, if you choose to be a parent. It’s not for everyone, and that’s fine.

Because when you’ve gone a week with five hours of sleep tops, parenting is actual hell. When you’ve spent massive sums of money taking them to the doctor only to find out they are just gassy, it sucks. When you just really don’t want an audience when you go poop, it’s super irritating.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

You’re responsible for how this little person grows up. You teach them, guide them, punish them, love them… you are responsible for nurturing them. And that right there- that’s the hardest part.

Because sometimes you just want to ignore them when they’re small and whiny and mad at the world. Or maybe, you just want to yell. It’s hard to step back and think, “Okay, my kid is obviously in distress and isn’t developed enough to handle those emotions. Don’t lose your cool.

And keeping your cool in the face of a screaming toddler is no joke. You’ll likely lose it a few times. It happens. I’ve had plenty of times where I’ve had to sit her down and say,

I am very sorry for yelling at you like that. It was not nice for me to do, and I am so sorry. Mommy felt very bad with all the screaming and didn’t handle it well.”

Because kids deserve apologies too.

Despite all the hardships, it’s still worth it. I exchanged my complete lack of sleep for gummy smiles and giggles. My privacy for hugs with tiny hands patting my back. The last piece of toast for her love.

It was all worth it.

Until next time!


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